Earth's Folks

     The time had come. The Big Four – Neptune, Uranus, Saturn, Jupiter – had to have a serious talk with their naïve sister, Earth.

     Mars had blown her opportunity for ascension and was killed in the process. Earth was now in line and as such had yet to develop the ability to communicate with The Big Four in any of their languages. So, they communicated with her, on her level.

     “Alright, you know that term your folks came up with?” Jupiter said. “Goldilocks? Well, Earth, what we’re trying to tell you is you gotta stop being such a goddam Goldilocks. Your folks’ technology is quickly outpacing their moral and spiritual advancement. Mom will never give your folks her Sun Gift if you don’t let her shock their system first, just to force them to have the inward growth to match their outward.”

     Neptune felt the need to chime in and ease the tension for her large sister, “Look,” she said, “I know it’s been a while since you last asked Mom for a Significant Energy Pulse, but come on, you know how that propels folks forward, even if it means a few big steps back, first.”

     “I know,” Earth said, “but I really don’t want to do that to this bunch. I don’t think they’re ready for that type of energy yet. One of those times Mom did the whole Significant Energy Pulse thing to me, my most promising folks to date got drowned under the sea! I know that’s an anomaly, it doesn’t usually extinct a whole group of folks, but still. It did that one time. I mean, yeah, another time it spawned Egypt and yet another time the Renaissance, all in the same bunch of folks, and those folks are still going strong now, but still, how can I forget about Atlantis! They were almost there! And besides, I feel like this bunch is so close to figuring it out on their own. Isn’t that what Mom always wanted? To see if there are folks who could develop the technology to explore the cosmos without her all-powerful Sun Gift? That would prove the process is working. Right?”

     “But are they really close to figuring it out on their own?” said Saturn. “I mean, let’s be honest. Earth, how’ve you been feeling lately? Not great, right?”

     Earth relented the fact that she had been quite stormy and fiery lately, quite like one of her human folks when they got the flu.

     “And how fast are they spreading?” said Uranus. “Are they showing overall respect for your natural limits or for any of the other living beings that depend on you being healthy? If your folks keep going as they’ve been going morally and spiritually, and they continue showing improved potential of spreading off of you with their current know-how, you know Mom won’t hesitate to protect the Universe and stop that whole situation before it ever happens. Do you really want to end up dead and barren like Mars?”

     Jupiter finished the line of thinking for the group: “Why not go the route we’ve gone? If your folks really are that close, one good Significant Energy Pulse should do the trick. Let her send some of those special cosmic rays, wreak some good old fashion natural havoc, and watch how your folks come together to solve everything. If they’re ready, then you’re good. If not, then, oh well. Just have to wait another few thousand of your years or so for them to get their act back together.”

     Earth thought about it for a moment, considered that if her folks weren’t close, like at all, then a Significant Energy Pulse would devolve everything into chaos. They might not come together to solve everything. It might just heighten their nationalistic and war-like tendencies. What Earth wanted, needed, but was fearful wouldn’t happen with this bunch, was for the malcontents to show and then grow their humanistic tendencies. Show that they did indeed have some good hiding within them.

     Making her last point, Jupiter said: “We mean, if they’re as close as you hope they are, then you’re golden, right? And when they solve everything and grow inwardly and what not, Mom will send you her Sun Gift. Bingo bango, your folks are free to explore the cosmos. Who cares if they developed the ability organically or not. That’s what we did. And now look at us. Our folks are out there having a grand old time.”

     The conversation continued on for a good bit longer. Earth orbited there and just listened to everything her sisters had to say. Of course, they were right. She knew how it all worked. She’s only been told it four and a half billion times.

     The Sun, Earth’s mom, always managed to bring it up during their yearly discussion. That she – the Sun – and her sisters – all the other stars out in the Milky Way and all the other galaxies – they were tasked with forming a life capable of complex thought and imagination, so that the Universe could be introduced to new and wonderful things. That if said lifeform showed the proper moral nature of love and respect for all other life, and they had the requisite technological vocabulary, then that lifeform’s star could send them a Gift that would propel them to truly reach the stars and engage with the whole cosmos. The Sun Gift, as it’s been named in Earth’s solar system, was simple. Neptune, Uranus, Saturn, and Jupiter were given and have maintained it. Mars thought her folks were ready and requested it, but when it was proven they weren’t ready, Mars and all her folks were killed.

 

*

     When a planet is born, buried deep in its crust, there is, for lack of a better term, a special rock, known as THE Rock. This special rock, about the size of two football fields stretched end to end and then cylindarized, is comprised of every one of the 244 elements in the Universe. All the elements are formed and congealed in such a way that this rock is blessed with a truly awesome cosmic power. It’s smooth to the touch and its unusual surface appears wavy and glowingly dark green.

     To give her Sun Gift, the Sun beams a directed burst of starry energy and blasts through the planet’s surface the mile or so it takes to get to THE Rock. The Sun is able to do this in such a way that THE Rock is perfectly excavated and already fully exposed, ready for discovery. Undoubtedly, this is the first time the folks of any particular planet have discovered this rock exists.

     When touched, the green waviness of THE Rock undulates rapidly and then displays, again for lack of a better term, an instruction manual, which always appears in the right language for the being that touched it.

     THE Rock’s instruction manual provides a brief introduction, a few rules, then a list of 1,002 instructions that, if properly followed, enables safe and abundant space travel. Translated into Earthling English from any of the other infinite Universal languages, THE Rock’s instruction manual went as follows:

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     Congratulations. You have found THE Rock. By touching this rock, these words will continue to scroll by. Stay until the end, and you will have the knowledge to travel among the stars. Failure to comply results in doom. Again, congratulations!

 

 Three Rules and One Thousand And Two Instructions To Reach The Stars

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Rule Number 1: By reading this, you agree that every step outlined herein will be strictly adhered to. Deviation from any of these rules or one thousand and two instructions will result in imminent planetary destruction and the destruction of your species. By continuing to touch this rock and moving on to Step 2, you acknowledge and accept this.

   

Rule Number 2: Express Love & Respect for all living things, and for God’s sake, have a little fun! That’s a rule, dammit!

   

Rule Number 3: There will be no secrets. Any information available on THE Rock is available to everyone on your planet. Any tribalism or nationalism and consequential secret-holding will result in imminent planetary destruction. Understand that you are being watched. You will work as a global community and will fully cooperate with one another on this endeavor.

   

Since your planet has requested your Sun to uncover THE Rock for you, it is assumed your folks’ nature will have no trouble obeying these rules. Otherwise, your planet is killing herself.

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                        Now, one thousand and two instructions:

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Touch your head, right now. Once you are touching your head, proceed to Step 2.​

 

Hopefully you are touching your head. If you are not touching your head and you are now reading this, your planet will be destroyed in the amount of time it takes light to reach you from your Sun. You now have two seconds to touch your head if you failed the first time. Now, take your hand off your head and proceed to Step 3, or, await your apocalypse.

 

As a reminder, seriously, don’t even test it. If you don’t follow these rules and instructions exactly, your planet will be literally destroyed. All life on it will die. Don’t be those folks.

 

Now that you understand the magnitude, pull out whatever device your folks use to connect you with everyone else on your planet. If you do not have such a device, go find someone who does and bring them to THE Rock. You will notice, when standing next to this rock, your device has a better connection than it has ever had before. Set it to share live video and tag as many news agencies you can think of; at least 15. Once the video is on, stop touching THE Rock. Live-record where you are and what you see of THE Rock and start over at Rule 1, filming the words closely. If this is your return to Step 3 and you are already recording, continue to Step 4.

 

THE Rock weighs two million kilograms. Harvested and applied correctly, four grams of THE Rock will power one of your cities forever. Working with whoever else is now focused on this endeavor, compile a list of every company on your planet that builds energy production or storage technology. Gather their leaders around THE Rock.  

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Profit.

 

Now that we’ve established money is a made-up thing, you can all share in those profits and all of you wonderful folks can enjoy a fruitful life. You now have enough energy to last God-knows-how-long and power whatever it is that you can imagine. Now, it’s time to build a proper spaceship or ten or six hundred or however many more and find crews to work them. Compile a list of every company on your planet that builds transportation technology, no matter how small or large, and gather their leaders around THE Rock.

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Profit.

 

Now that you have the technology and the proper personnel: Worm Holes. They exist. You need to know where they are, where they go, and how to navigate them. Gather at least 1,000 astronomers around THE Rock.  

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Now that you know how to get to a handful of places in the Milky Way (of course you’ll learn more as you go), you’ll have to understand the new planets and lifeforms you’ll soon engage with. By this point, your entire planet is undoubtedly captivated by THE Rock. The following instructions apply to anyone who ultimately steps off your planet.

 

As a continuation of Rule Number 3, and Instructions 22, 195, and 410, to make it abundantly clear: you are to treat all living things, on your planet and on others, with Love & Respect. Like all other instructions, failure to do this, at any moment in time or at any place in the cosmos, will result in your planet and species being destroyed. If one of you breaks this rule, you all do; meaning if one of your folks disrespects another planet’s folks or other type of life, then your planet will be destroyed and every one of your folks out there in the cosmos will be arrested and then destroyed as well.

 

There is one exception to the above. If you are encountered and you are treated with disrespect or hostility from another lifeform, you may respond in a tit for tat manner to suppress the issue. You will not be punished for defending yourself.

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Now that you know the worlds and lifeforms you’ll encounter, you’ll need to rapidly evolve the ability to survive beyond your own comfortable atmosphere. Hopefully, everyone on your planet is now paying attention to these instructions. Here is how to prepare for the impending onslaught of Cosmic Dust.

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Enjoy.  

 

 

     Once a planet requests THE Rock and its folks make it all the way to Instruction 1,002, the Universe directs a swirling heap of Cosmic Dust towards the planet. The Cosmic Dust increases the perceived size of the planet threefold, protects it against all future anomalous space debris, and fundamentally alters the composition of its atmosphere in such a way that it fills in the gaps of adaptation for the planet’s folks. That’s how the gaseous folks of Uranus are able to breathe and exist on more terrestrial planets, like Earth.

     It is up to the individual planet to request the Sun Gift, following the logic that no planet wants to commit suicide, because again, if just one of her folks breaks just one of the rules or instructions, she will be destroyed.

     Of course, Earth was well aware of all of this.

     She thought about her folks, her babies. How, sure, some of them are wonderful. How some of them would have absolutely no trouble complying with all of THE Rock’s instructions.

     But, she also thought how just one bad apple, as her folks like to say, would ruin it for the whole bunch, would result in all of their demise, just like her sister Mars. Being honest with herself, Earth reckoned she had a few billion bad apples in her bunch.

     Her folks weren’t ready for it.

     But, maybe, a sufficient portion of them were good enough to warrant a strong push in the right direction.

     At their next yearly discussion, Earth asked her mom, the Sun, for a Significant Energy Pulse.

     The Sun was so happy to hear it. Almost immediately, she gurgled her insides and threw up a tremendous beam of power and gave Earth the celestial equivalent of a human bearhug.

     Earth rumbled with vigor. Her insides rejoiced in the acceptance of the Sun’s power. She radiated all that goodness outward.

     All at once, like pimples popping on a pubescent human face, 1,001 volcanoes across Earth erupted. Earth quaked all over. New mountains rose out of the sea. Many coastal cities were washed away. Ash and smoke in the sky caused a long night over much of the world.

     It was time for some change.