I'mRightDotCom

     There’s a place one could go to find confirmation for any bias they held dear. The place was as easy to get to as one’s most pooped upon toilet. In fact, while pooping on said toilet, one could still easily access this most amazing of places.

     I’mRightDotCom is where one would go, say, if they wanted to provide detailed and comprehensive evidence that says Climate Change is an imminent threat, and that it must be addressed with the full might of human ingenuity and cooperative spirit.

     However, I’mRightDotCom is also the place where one could go to definitively and irrefutably prove that indeed, climate change was not that big of a deal, that humans can adapt to anything nature throws at us, and that we could go on as we’ve been going, indefinitely and forever thereafter, maximizing profits galore.

     Like Chinese water torture, witnessing how people increasingly wielded I’mRightDotCom to proclaim the most heinous of ideas – that the Holocaust didn’t happen, that racism wasn’t that bad anymore, or that we needed to be fighting perpetual wars on terror, drugs, and what not – James was slowly losing it.

     It just seemed like there weren’t enough folks out there like him who were using I’mRightDotCom to prove that instead of those other wars, humanity should be focusing war-like efforts to combat poverty, the underfunded education system, the overfunded military state, mental health problems, and what not. And if one just cared enough to look, they’d see why it was not only doable, but necessary to provide universal free healthcare. And that by doing all this, by focusing efforts on I’mRightDotCom in these arenas, the world would also yield profits galore, although just a more equitable stream of them. For James, this was as easy to see as the forever blurred image of his nose as he looked upon anything in front of him.

     A resident vascular surgeon, there was a special place in James’s heart for science and facts. Though still, James didn’t mind when people used I’mRightDotCom to prove their religious beliefs. At least once a week at their apartment, he’d get it from his roommate Marcus. “I’m tellin you, man. Babylon is falling. And that shit don’t take a day. We’re in the thick of it now. Zion is calling. We gotta answer. You gotta check this here on I’mRightDotCom, see what I’m talkin’ about.” Only later to overhear a coworker talking to some new coworker, saying the same shit that he tried to get James to look at. “And upon Joseph Smith’s fourth return to the hill, he rediscovered the Golden Plates, he translated the ancient sacred texts into English, and then returned the plates to the Angel Moroni. This divine providence gave us the teachings of American Prophets. We are still rebuilding Christ’s true church this day.” James dismissed his Mormon coworker because as soon as someone politely told him to fuck off and that they believed something else, that was the end of it.

     James dismissed and never argued with these uses of I’mRightDotCom, as he ascribed to the theory that life was like one big mountain, we’re all heading to the top, and religious beliefs are like various paths we can take to get there. It doesn’t matter which way we go, because in the end, we’re all getting to the same place. To James, the only time I’mRightDotCom became bothersome in this regard, was when people used it to tell folks who went on a different path that their path was wrong. As long as people used it to affirm belief in their own path, and let others be, then James was cool.

     But lately, people were using it in that bothersome way all the time. And of course, the ridiculous arguments that were supported by the trunk of I’mRightDotCom branched further and further away from religion.

     If truth and facts were water in a lake, where before I’mRightDotCom it was relatively clear and navigable, now, it’s as if the Loch Ness Monster and Godzilla had been wrestling at the bottom of the lake, kicking up mud to the point where one couldn’t see their hand in front of their face when plunging knowledge’s depths.

     The special place in James’s heart for science and facts was eroding amidst the battle, and again, James was losing it. He no longer practiced patience and tolerance when said erosion smacked him in the face. So, he tried his best to avoid online conversation, because it yielded a constant barrage. But now, the war against facts and science couldn’t be avoided in real life.  

     Out on a Saturday afternoon with Marcus at the annual block party on Girard Ave, James almost let it get the better of him.

Once a year every summer, Girard Ave would close down to cars, all the restaurants and shops would set up tents on the sidewalk, and it’d become one bumpin’ party for all the neighborhood. This year, after grabbing an ice cream cone, James and Marcus couldn’t help but pass the man wearing billboards and handing out leaflets. He encouraged people to check out QR codes that would direct them to specific coordinates in I’mRightDotCom that proved a most important point to him.

     The big stink he was causing on the street, proclaiming to anyone that gave him the slightest bit of attention, which was practically no one, other than folks who laughed at him, was that the earth was flat.

     James foolishly made eye contact with him, prompting the man to say: “You! Did you know the earth is not actually a sphere! You have been lied to your whole life, my friend!”

     “Man, fuck this guy,” Marcus said. It was as if he saw the look in James’s eye. “It ain’t worth it.”

     “You know what.” James stood up taller, a bit prouder. “Nah. Fuck that. This motherfucker needs to learn.”

     James stepped up to the crazy man sporting the billboards connected by chain, dangling off his front and backside. Billboards that showed the earth in its natural flat condition, with the sun and moon and everything else flat, too. A spherical representation of earth was crossed out in big bold red streaks with Lies! written next to it. The billboards implored readers to ask the right questions on I’mRightDotCom, said they needed to wake up and not believe the nefarious claims of a round globe. But James didn’t bother reading the billboards. He instead baited the crazy man, let him say his peace. “Alright. I’m assuming you do know how stupid you sound. But for the fuck of it. Let’s hear it. What you got?”

     The flat-earther dove right in. “Your whole life, you’ve been lied to—”

     But James’s style of argument was to not sit idly by. He interrupted the flat-earther with the best tool in the sceptic’s tool bag: who-what-why? Here, James used, “Hold up, who’s been lying to me?”

     The flat-earther took the bait. “Everyone! Your teachers, who were lied to by scientists and corporations and the government, and—”

     “Wait. Why would they lie about the earth being round?”

     “They want to control you! They want—”

     “Hold on. Why would me believing the earth is round be a form of control? What are they controlling? Wait, you know what. Nevermind.” James recognized the conspiracy mindset. That line of questioning would get him nowhere. The man had gotten too far lost on I’mRightDotCom. So, James pivoted: “Instead, why don’t you tell me why you think the earth is flat, and not round.”

     “Alright, well it’s all here on I’mRightDotCom if you want to check it out. But the short of it, is this: There are models that show conclusively the earth is flat, and that Antarctica is actually just a giant wall of ice on the outside that keeps the oceans in and everything from falling off. You can see it here.” The crazy man pointed to the billboard on his frontside. “The sun and moon are each roughly 50 kilometers in diameter, and they circle about 5500 kilometers above earth…”

     James let the flat-earther go on for another two or three minutes before he realized how futile it was arguing with this kind of derangement. He could point to even more coordinates in I’mRightDotCom that easily showed how ridiculous the flat-earth argument was. But, by this point, his ice cream was melting onto his hand. Deep down, listening to this guy talk and realizing that he’d never listen to reason, James wanted to shove the chocolate cream right in this dude’s stupid ignorant face. But he didn’t. James instead held up his hand in defeat. “You know what man,” he interrupted. “Agree to disagree.”

     “Don’t let them make you a fool!” the man said, not agreeing to disagree, instead firmly rooting himself even stronger in his beliefs. “When you’re ready, the truth is out there!”

     James looked at this man, and shame, shame for the whole human race, as if everything was just going to shit, overtook him. He just stood there and looked for a good moment right in those ignorant eyes. “Peace and blessings to you on your journey,” he said. Then turning to Marcus, “Come on man, let’s go.”

     “You gave him your fuck you very much phrase, huh?” Marcus said.

     “Yep. You got that right.”