Problem Solver
I guess I never had the ambition to get here, in the White House, but, obviously, my lack of ambition didn’t matter. Truth be told, where I am today is the result of others pulling me in this direction or that, due to what I could for do for them. This power – now that I know it’s really a power – is like a wave I’ve riding, letting it take me wherever it naturally wants to flow.
Thinking back, it started to present itself a few years after college.
Following graduation, I didn’t go the “traditional” route of my peers, heading to DC or New York or wherever to work in Corporate America. I instead chose to coast around the country in a livable van, doing odd jobs to pay for gas and food and weed. Wanting to build some good karma in the world, I’d volunteer at homeless shelters about once a month, as well, helping out where I could, paying it forward with my time and energy, since I didn’t really have any extra money to share. Mostly, I just spent my time living and enjoying whatever the present moment had to offer.
At first, the odd jobs consisted mostly of manual labor – doing dishes, landscaping, moving, etc – but soon, the more I talked with people and got to know them and their businesses, the more complex and mindful the odd-jobs became. Businessowners soon started telling me about their problems, and more and more, I soon started offering ideas for potential solutions.
Turns out, I was a pretty good problem solver.
I learned that I could – I can – literally solve any problem.
One day while washing dishes at the local coffee bar, I overheard the owner, Destiny, talking with one of her full-time employees. “It’s a serious problem,” she was saying, “ever since that Starbunks opened, this place is hurting.”
Before I knew what was happening, from the dish pit, I spoke up and inserted myself into the conversation with conviction I didn’t know I had. “That’s a pretty easy problem to solve,” I said, “I know exactly what you need to do.” Truthfully, I was shocked. I couldn’t believe I just said that, and with such confidence too. But really, in my head, I knew I was right. There was a clear path forward. And to my shock, they actually stopped and listened to me. Destiny asked, with at first a kind of mocking tone, “Oh yeah? What you got?” And I explained how, with a modest marketing budget, they could create an effective campaign and re-win local favor. Destiny’s demeanor changed as I continued speaking words without knowing where they were coming from. Within a minute, I outlined a perfect plan how they – how I, if she wanted to hire me as a consultant – could quickly execute the plan.
Within a week, they were slammed again.
The same thing – me offering unsolicited advice or inserting myself into overheard conversations about people’s problems – happened time and time again before I realized I was on to something, that I might actually have found a career after all.
Like when I was out running with Michael. I helped solve his marriage problems with his wife of one year; I mean, provided he takes my advice. I effectively told him, “Listen more, act on what you’re hearing, and communicate your feelings better, especially the ones that say you love her. And continuously re-affirm you’ve got each other’s backs. Watch less porn, have more sex, and be present while having sex.”
Judging by the smile on his face thereafter, I think he listened to me.
Then, out at a happy hour, Serena said slugs were attacking her garden. I don’t know how I knew this, but something compelled me to say, “Just spread some coffee grounds around the perimeter of your plants.” Which was easy enough. The slugs were gone within a week.
A bit more of a tricky one, since I never had a dog, my friend Jackie said her dog had been overly aggressive lately when they go out walking. She said it wants to fight every other dog it sees. “Let me come by and see what I can do,” I said, unsure why I was so confident.
That afternoon, after a 30-minute walk with me holding the leash and giving commands, her dog was playfully running with all the other dogs at the dog park, happy as a tongue in the sun.
Soon, I considered my own life, wondered if there were any glaring problems I was facing.
Honestly, up to that point, van life since college had been a pretty easy ride. I lived carefree, spending relatively little time making more than I needed to live and party. And besides the grand future I kinda always felt I’d fall into, there was nothing I really wanted at the moment.
Although, once I gave it some serious thought, the only thing I realized I didn’t have that I always wanted, was a boatload of extra money in the bank. I mean, I never really had extra money to spend, to go on really great big adventures, or splurge on an amazing time with friends, or donate to some worthwhile causes, or what not, and meanwhile, all my college friends, with their Corporate Jobs, were already going on crazy vacations all over the world. So, I thought, there it is. That’s a problem. I’d like to have a more financially sound way of life. My problem is I don’t have an abundance of personal wealth living in this capitalistic society.
Now, mind you, up till then, my experience with computers consisted of using a word processor and surfing the internet. Nevertheless, three days after I thought of that personal problem, I built myself one of the most beautiful websites I had ever seen. I really have no idea how I did it, either. My fingers just effortlessly moved about my keyboard and trackpad for like, ten-hours straight, three days in a row, and before I knew it, a website was built advertising my services – Helping You Solve Any Problem
You’ll see that a lot of things in my life, especially after I got this power, happened before I knew it. It’s like I would hear a problem, blink my eyes once, and then wake up from a dream with the solution to that problem – if there was one – right there in my mind clear as 2+2 = 4. And before I knew it, I’d be speaking or building the solution into existence.
So, for my personal problem, that website I built certainly did the trick. I was rich before I knew it.
For my first legit gig, I was contracted by a law firm to solve the problem of how to get an innocent verdict for their star athlete client. I guess they figured the fees I was charging, if I could really do what my website advertised, was more than worth it. I did a bang-up job for them, they told a different client of theirs about me, and before I knew it, I was helping a shipping company solve a logistics problem.
My reputation quickly grew and a job or three or seven later – I didn’t really keep track – I was on the phone with Woody Johnson, the commissioner for the National Football League. “As I’m sure you know,” he said over the phone, “concussions are a real big problem in our league. How would you solve that?”
And before I knew it, I was telling him I knew exactly how to solve that problem. I said there was a way, without a shadow of a doubt, to stop concussions in the NFL.
“That’s amazing,” Woody said. “I’ll pay you whatever it takes.”
“I’ll do this one for free,” I replied. “It’s an easy one. Your problem is there are too many concussions in your game and players are causing permanent damage to their brains? Easy. The solution is this: change the game so the strongest fastest men on earth are not running into each other at full speed.”
He didn’t like my answer, I presume, because he hung up.
The owner of a Nascar team had a different problem. He wanted his racers to have cars that were faster, required less gas, less maintenance, and what not, relative to all the other Nascar teams, while strictly adhering to all Nascar guidelines. After thinking I had a personal problem of negotiating big-deals properly, I was able to secure a multi-million-dollar agreement for myself. Once I was provided the additional requisite resources – tools, equipment, and people – I was tasked with building the car of his dreams. Three months later, he had the best car, by far, in Nascar, and his racers won every race there on out. (He had me sign an exclusive agreement saying I would not collaborate with any other Nascar team. Leveraging that into many millions of dollars for myself, I happily obliged.)
Elsewhere in the wide world of sports, I built a golf driver and golf ball that maxed out the laws of physics. The best golfers in the world now drive the ball 600+ yards.
And before I knew it, I was fielding inquiries from people in every sector of every business or organization earth.
Doctors wanted me to cure cancer and depression and all other types of illness. Mathematicians wanted me to solve P vs NP (among a bunch of other problems, which, once I gleaned the answer to P vs NP, is kind of funny). Social workers wanted me to cure homelessness and hunger and poverty and what not. Civil rights groups wanted me to solve the problem of America not living up to the ideals it so strongly preaches.
Environmental groups wanted me to solve the problem of climate change and the problem of humanity inarguably fucking up the planet. Energy companies wanted me to figure out a productive means of recycling solar panels after they’ve exhausted their limits. Nuclear power plants wanted me to find a better solution for recycling nuclear waste and how to repair the industry’s reputation with the public. Astronomers wanted me to solve problems about the cosmos. Religious leaders asked me to prove God’s existence. Banks wanted to figure out how to create more money out of thin air. Various NGOs wanted to solve peace problems – really, war problems – in regions all over the planet. Local, state, and soon national governments wanted me to solve their unimaginable budget deficits, and, obviously, more.
“Woah, woah, people,” I said, via my website and social pages. “Please. One problem at a time. Sure, the solutions appear in my head as fast as your problems are presented – and I have solutions for all of you – but there’s no solution for the problem of my being able to only focus on one problem at a time.”
Soon, before I knew it, I was working directly for the President of the United States.
“Jeremy,” she said, when I walked into the Oval Office for like the 30th day in a row. “What are we solving today?”
“Monica,” I said back. “Whatever you want. Let’s go.”
We were on a first-name basis pretty quickly. Understandably, I guess. I mean, over our first eight months or so working together, I did help broker a deal that ensured peace in the Middle East; and another that allowed the US to withdraw all its troops across the world, while redirecting the funds from the military industrial complex to more useful and societally beneficial programs, which massively pumped up the GDP, all without her getting assassinated or losing public support, and while making sure everyone, more or less, was cool with it, and what not. Obviously, for big problems like that, there’s a lot of variables on both sides of the equation. You can’t solve a problem of that size without some people being pissed off. But, to that end, minimizing the fallout of any problem is yet another problem to solve. One that I was and am more than capable of solving.
As the problems and solutions compounded and my reputation continued to grow, once I was of legal age, I ran for and became president myself.
Looking at everything along the way as a problem to be solved, my campaign went ridiculously smooth and I was elected in a landslide.
Things moved so fast from there and seemed to be going so hunky dory and seamless that I never stopped to ask myself if there were any personal problems I wanted to solve. It was easy to coast along, assuming everything was going as magnificently as it could possibly go. I dated some women along the way, sure, but before I knew it, my responsibilities were so big and pressing that I never really dedicated a proper enough amount of energy to cultivating a relationship. And before I knew it, because I was doing such an amazing job solving all of America’s problems, the people insisted I stay for a 3rd, then 4th, then 5th, and now 6th term as president. They wouldn’t take no for an answer.
But now, jeeze, before I knew it, I’m about to turn 60!
Mind you, I’ve considered the problem of aging, of how not to die, and it turns out the solution will take longer to build than I have time left on this earth. Maybe one day I’ll write out the solution.
Anyways, truth be told, I had solved so many problems while president that the country soon ran like fine-crafted clockwork. The job grew less and less demanding, and before I knew it, for the first time in decades, I started thinking about any personal problems I could be dealing with.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m super proud of the fact that I’ve played a big role in making the lives of pretty much everyone on the planet happier and healthier. The world’s economy is stabilized and pretty much globally decentralized at this point. Everyone in the US – and we’re working on this globally – has free access to clean air & water, education, high quality fresh food, a high-speed decentralized internet, efficient public transportation, and of course, healthcare. As a country, and again, soon the world, we’re not only carbon neutral, we’re carbon negative, and while maintaining healthy population growth, we are preserving more and more natural land every year. We’ve got a solid base on the moon, and have manned missions to Mars on the calendar starting next year.
There’s never been a more peaceful time on this planet and the future of humanity has never looked brighter.
But still, for the first time, really ever, I’m realizing I have some pretty big personal problems.
Growing up and back in my van days, I always wanted a family, and thought it would happen before I knew it. But with the wave of my unprecedented presidency, I guess I never stopped to really think about it. Which is kind of crazy.
I mean, can you imagine? What if I considered a different personal problem all those years ago? Let’s say, instead of seeking a way to be financially wealthy, what if I had solved the problem for maximizing my personal happiness and fulfillment, ensuring I had an abundance of love and support and good physical health in my life. Or if I wanted to solve the problem of finding the right girlfriend for me, one I could spend my life with.
Huh, I wonder if this type of global good would have happened.
Of course, I’m happy to have helped everyone else and all that, but, still… Ya know?
Now, it feels like it’s too late. And I’m scared to consider the problem of me having my own family one day.
And…
Well…
There it is. I guess since I wrote down the words, I blinked, and the solution decided to present itself.
And it turns out, it’s not too late. There are multiple solutions to this problem. And one of them, a rather appealing one at this point, starts with me resigning.